At the beginning of my shift I often give myself a little inspirational speech.
"I will take this job more seriously."
"I will listen to my patients complaints."
"I will stop eating everything in sight."
"I will try to learn something new."
"I will not drink a gallon of coffee."
"I will be more professional."
The list changes from shift to shift, but I always start the week with best intentions. Sometimes my resolve lasts for hours. Sometimes minutes. Sometimes I don't even get out the door with my new attitude.
1830 hrs. Dispatched to a woman's shelter for a report of back pain. Arrived to find two women, one the patient, the other the patient "advocate." The patient speaks no English and my Sesame Street Spanish is not enough to convey the emergency information to the ER.
New Me: "What is the problem."
Patient: (through Advocate) "I have severe back pain."
New Me: "How long have you had this severe back pain?"
Patient: "Many years."
New Me: "And how did this severe back pain begin?"
Patient: "My breasts are too large, I need a breast reduction."
Less New Me: "Your breasts are too large?"
Patient: "The weight of my breasts causes severe back pain."
Even Less New Me: "And how is this even remotely an emergency?"
Patient: "I have back pain."
Old Me: "Get in the truck."
On the official State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations Emergency Medical Services form there is a spot for "Past Medical Conditions." The New Me would have written "Back Pain" on the form. The Old Me is waiting for the phone call from the EMS Chief to explain why "Large Breasts" occupies the space relegated for "Past Medical Conditions."
New Me
Sunday, May 31, 2009Posted by Michael Morse at 11:32 AM
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11 comments:
Awesome...just awesome.
maybe you could have tried the following made up medical terms:
Gross swelling of the mammary glands,
Breast hypertrophy
Female advanced tissue enlargement syndrome,
Etc, etc Childish I know, but it's kinda fun trying to find legitimate medical paraphrases for common waste of time conditions.
I bet you wish the old you could have just said:
Bye bye!!
Mike, you win at life. Seriously. That's balls.
All balls, no brains!
But seriously, I think I can pull it off if questioned, but it probably wasn't the brightest idea I've ever had.
Probably should have gone with "Breast Hypertrophy."
I had to laugh. I could just picture the look on your face, and the temptation to say something you shouldn't.
I gotta say thats pretty damn good.
Okay, I'd be lying if I said I didn't laugh... ooops.
Mike,
It reminds of the old days when I put the local detox patient (RS). Who was in the ER everyday. I wrote his address as 593 Eddy Street Apt D8, which was the hospitals drunk tank. Dr. W did not like my humor and questioned me on to why I would write such a thing. I told him this guy spent more then 6 months sleeping, eating and showering there. Therefore it qualifies as his legal residence. Sometimes blatant honesty is the only way to go.
JoeEMT799
You should see me smiling this end, certainly a touch of the comic genius... a very funny write.
You wrote the truth however, childish and foolish it may be! That's all that needed to be said!
I know the feeling, Mike. I once had a male patient tell me " I'm a woman and my c&*t hurts" when I asked him what was wrong. So, that's what I put down as the chief complaint.
Whe questioned, i told the boss, " The chief complaint is what the aptient tells you is wrong, and that's what he said.."
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